Monday, June 13, 2011

If I'm Lying I'm Crying

Have you wondered if your public persona is a true representation of your personal truth or self?

For the last two years, my idea of my public  self no longer jived with what was inside my heart and soul.  As you can imagine, drama and trauma ensued.  My plastic smile and pretty earrings clashed with (in my mind) my smeared lipstick-stained grimace and tarnished edges.  You see, I could no longer compartmentalize the good, the bad, and the ugly.  It all collided and BOY, was it U-G-L-Y!

A friend and I had just experienced a weekend conference focusing on our godly roles as mothers and wives.  I remember sitting there surrounded by beautiful (clearly beautiful inside and out) women who loved the Lord.  I couldn't even hear or process what the speakers spoke about, what the songs heralded, or  focus on the people I met.

All I heard and FELT was my Lord shouting in a whisper that He would no longer accept being in a compartment.  He would no longer TOLERATE my living a pretty, predictable, acceptable, lie.  My Patient Jesus was through being patient.  He now demanded that I Get Up or Shut Up.

Guess what?  I totally got up.  It was THE moment.  The moment you hear about:

"When did you hear God?"  "How did you know the Lord was tugging on your heart?"  "How could you tell it was really HIM and not the imaginings of a sleep-deprived mother?"

This moment with the Lord, because of the Lord, was not only a tugging on my heart or bending of my ear, but an actual PHYSICAL feeling of being pressed down.  Isn't that crazy?  I had the sensation of Him leaning on me with a pressure I could not imagine.  It was hard to breathe, friends.

 And to fast forward, Jesus' persistent and consistent pursual of me has caused that "pretty people" persona to slowly fade.  I am learning that the Lord loves my dimpled thighs and graying hair.  He loves my quirkiness and OCD tendencies.  He loves my ability to recall a license plate I saw a week ago.  He loves my tarnished edges.

And most of all, He loves my desire to allow Him to refine and polish those tarnished edges for His use and liking.

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me. Colossians 1:29